This question comes up a lot around single women who are having trouble finding a guy to date. The appropriate responses to this question are vague statements and assurances that they are out there and that they will eventually find you and see your internal worth. In person I will probably give this response because in the moment the girls asking do not want an actual answer.
From the sterility of a blog I want to give an actual answer. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, and the research was very painful, but I want to share it with the hope that it will catch some people early enough to make a difference.
The simple answer is: because you ignored them when they were interested in you.
Let me explain with an oversimplified model.
Start with a good boy and a good girl. Both are innocent, kind, and want to find happiness and companionship. The good boy wants the good girl and pursues her with respect for her space and her body. The innocent good girl either does not realize that the good boy is interested, or is distracted by the fun guy who has no respect for her space or body. The innocent good girl then becomes the not-so-innocent good girl. The not-so-innocent good girl finally realizes that she wants the good guy, but the good guy is still looking for an innocent good girl. By now the innocent good guy subconsciously realizes that he can remain the good boy and his sacrifice to remain innocent becomes a joke because the girls that are interested in him can no longer really understand or appreciate it, or he can become the fun guy without respect for boundaries and get the innocent good girl.
There are thousands of variations on this model, but this is where the good men have gone.
From the sterility of a blog I want to give an actual answer. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, and the research was very painful, but I want to share it with the hope that it will catch some people early enough to make a difference.
The simple answer is: because you ignored them when they were interested in you.
Let me explain with an oversimplified model.
Start with a good boy and a good girl. Both are innocent, kind, and want to find happiness and companionship. The good boy wants the good girl and pursues her with respect for her space and her body. The innocent good girl either does not realize that the good boy is interested, or is distracted by the fun guy who has no respect for her space or body. The innocent good girl then becomes the not-so-innocent good girl. The not-so-innocent good girl finally realizes that she wants the good guy, but the good guy is still looking for an innocent good girl. By now the innocent good guy subconsciously realizes that he can remain the good boy and his sacrifice to remain innocent becomes a joke because the girls that are interested in him can no longer really understand or appreciate it, or he can become the fun guy without respect for boundaries and get the innocent good girl.
There are thousands of variations on this model, but this is where the good men have gone.
Since some people are actually reading my blog I should probably moderate this post a little.
ReplyDeleteI wrote this post out of frustration and a bit of anger. I've seen it so many times, and every time I do it breaks my heart. I went over a year without seeing this story because I was blessed to date some amazing girls. I forgot about this story as I got wrapped up in the world of being in a relationship. Back in the single's scene I was blindsided by this story again. I wrote this to help me cleanse my emotions on the topic.
I do not mean this to be hurtful to anyone, and if it strikes a little too close to home I am sorry. You don't have to let your past define who you are, but you do have to deal with the consequences. Most good guys are good guys because they won't hold it against you, but you should know that it will hurt them. Understand that, and let it go. Forgive yourself, and those who have hurt or used you. Commune with God (I'll post more on what I mean by that later). Look within yourself and decide what you really want. Start now with being who you want to be. Be a good girl with a past, not a girl who has lost her innocence and has forgotten her worth because of it.
I had an interesting realization about how guys and girls use each other today. In general, guys use girls to get action. Girls, on the other hand, use guys as friends to bridge between boyfriends. In both cases the purpose is to satisfy a need to feel desired, no commitment is meant though much is implied and sometimes promised, and the used person is discarded and ignored as soon as they are replaced.
DeleteA friend of mine privately replied to my post and with her permission I am including it in the comments with some minor edits to preserve anonymity.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your "good guy" example is accurate in many situations, but I don't think it applied to my situation. I think my situation was almost the reverse. The "good" LDS boys in high school refused to date or even really be friends outside of school. Try as I might to get some good LDS friends, it didn't happen until I found a few at another high school after over a year of struggling without friends. You know who they liked? Who some of them dated? The friend that was less social, less kind, less fun. I love her, but she wasn't exactly the "nice girl" (though I'm sure she stayed far more innocent than me from a chastity perspective). I wouldn't consider her a nice person in high school. Apparently, that's what guys liked.
When ***** (the guy that ended my innocence, so to speak) and I started dating it wasn't because he was a "bad boy." He was socially awkward, had dyslexia and struggled in school, and I initially didn't find him very attractive, but he was incredibly kind. I worked with his mom and she had become one of my closest friends over the previous year. When I finally met him and we went on a date he treated me like a queen. I honestly think he loved me more than anyone has ever loved me and he probably treated me better than any guy ever has. He wasn't a jerk at all. He respected me, but he wasn't LDS and didn't have quite the same standards. He believed in no sex before marriage, but the rules aren't as strict outside the church and what typically happens when a boy loves a girl? I was young and naive and didn't yet know how to say no or that my body could feel so out of control with pure physical desire. Things moved incredibly slowly (it was probably months before he kissed me for the first time). I never indicated to him that I was uncomfortable or was condemning myself to hell in my head while outwardly behaving in a way that wouldn't hurt him because I didn't know how to say no and I didn't want to do anything to embarrass or hurt him (I still have that problem but it's much much better; probably comes from my childhood, doesn't everything??).
I suppose this is just a long way to say I don't think I fit into that category. Maybe you disagree. However, I also don't think I've complained as an adult about not being able to find a nice guy to date. There are plenty of them out there. Look at *** or **** or *****. I know many, many nice guys. Sometimes the problem is getting the nice guy to look past the hot girls. I imagine most of the girls complaining aren't incredibly attractive (I could be wrong here).
There was one guy that I nearly dated while I lived in Utah that was extremely hot, extremely pushy (physically), and very much a typical jerky guy. I never even kissed him before I told him we shouldn't see each other anymore. That method didn't work for me.
I don't think the "nice guy" should ever become someone he used to abhor just to get the girl(s). I personally don't think it's so important that it's worth consciously changing oneself in such a way. Does a guy really want to be married to a girl that he won over by being a jerk? I think nice guys can still get girls without being douche bags. They can still respect a girl and not push her beyond the sexual boundaries she's put in place and still be fun and exciting. Perhaps it's not that the jerk is pushing boundaries, but that he takes a dominant role in the relationship and that's what girls like? Does a guy have to push sexual boundaries in order to be in charge?